Today was not really any different than yesterday. I cleaned off my desk, moved some things around.. decided to load Turbo Lister for Ebay.. and then curled up in bed and tried not to think about going back to work. I failed miserably. As Robyn says.. maybe there really isn't anything to stress about, but I don't know. This used to be easy.. you just get up, have breakfast, and go to work.. and spend the bulk of your day dealing with people you don't like, working with people you can't stand, and being on your feet for 8+ hours. Why is this so miserable? Must just be the corporate aspect. I dunno.. mom says I am usually like this when I get ready to stop working someplace. When I have finally had enough, and can't stomach anymore. Problem is.. now I feel responsible. I feel like no matter how emotionally broken I am.. it makes no difference. It's still important to go into work and make a living.. to help support my family. Even though my family keeps telling me it's alright, we've always made it before.. we can do this without my constant support.. I still feel like I should be contributing. Having a baby is not contributing. It is sucking the life out of me, and out of our finances slowly. I'm sure that's normal... but it doesn't really change anything.
Ah well.. it's just more simpering. More wining to feed.. whatever this anxiety is that I have. I'm sure it helps to just let it out, but on occasion I feel it is better to just forget about it. There is some kind of end to it, whether I like it or not. I'm either not going back to work after April... or I am. The choice has to be made.. and the sooner I quit agonizing over it, the more healthy me and the parasite will be.
Doc appointment on Wednesday. I hope he'll be happy with me. I've lost about eight pounds in three weeks, and that seems like an acceptable amount. We'll just have to see. I'm also going to make use of the birth-plan Denise suggested... I know it will be important to have one, and to have family members there that will help enforce my wishes. There is just too much that can go wrong. Talk about another reason to think expectantly. My mom said be positive.. but I'm not really being negative in my outlook.. I am just preparing for the worst, and hoping for the best. Ulgh.. so much to be concerned about. Someone give me a cookie.