Laron/Mythie +1 (laron) wrote,
Laron/Mythie +1

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New day, new client.

So for the longest time I've been journaling just by logging into the LJ website, but I've decided to make it easier for myself and download a client. This will make it faster, and less time consuming.. and make it available at my own whims. Whatever those may be..? Today was sort of.. one of those bed days. It was a Sunday, and rainy.. and I felt kind of like not getting out of bed. Yesterday was kind of one of those days too. I tell myself that I'm determined to 'get something done' and 'do something about this listlessness'.. but it doesn't work for some reason. I find so often that I just want to sleep, I'm tired beyond imagining... and with no real reason to be so. I've been exercising and doing things I need to do, but I guess I just needed a couple of days to just curl up and feel comfortable.

There are plenty of days where I am less than comfortable. I am still losing weight, but my waist is increasing in circumference. It's getting easier to be accostomed to the DAILY changes my body goes through; at the same time it is fascinating.. but disturbing. Sometimes it's easier to just not be mindful of what happens down there. Though it gives me a little pleasure to know that the kid is growing healthily enough to start proving its presence. We're getting more adjusted, just a day to day act of acceptance. Not being at that horrible workplace of mine helps. No one likes their job, but I went very quickly from tolerating and actually enjoying my job.. to hating each day. It was so stressful, and induced so much hostility in me, it was making my home life.. and my work life.. miserable. I'm not really sure I can go back after april 30th. My mom switches her opinion on that each day.. but the truth is.. it is my decision in the end. I have to decide whether I want to live with this stressful environment until I get cuckolded into Labor, or if I'd rather enjoy my separate/together life now... and really accomplish something. My house is cleaner, my life is much calmer, and I am much happier away from Walgreens. If I cash out my profit sharing, and pay my car payment with that.. it'll get me through about 6 solid months, enough time to have this kiddo and get caught up. Then.. if I have to.. a part time job at an INDEPENDANT pharmacy is the way to go I think.

First though.. we have to get through this. I'm not really sure how to tell my boss I can't work for him anymore. My therapist says we need to work on ways of saying No. I wonder if she can help me figure out how to say No More without having a breakdown. Maybe it's ok to have a breakdown, but it is so hard to appear so vulnerable and weak in front of someone who is supposed to have authority over you. What is so bad... these people are just people.. they are no better than I am, just working to pay their end and take care of their families. I still have trouble telling them no, and being unavailable when I am needed.

Even if these things were resolved, I don't think I could go back. The jobs they require me to do.. have me dealing with sick people every day, or leaning very deeply over a hard counter to reach into a drive-thru box, lifting totes of medicine bottles that weigh more than you think, and one 30 minute break a day... just are not conducive to a healthy attitude. These were not a problem when I was just tormenting myself, but I am so frustrated with the fact that it isn't just me anymore. They neither care.. nor do they even remember that I'm carrying a kiddo. A technician even told me I could not call in any more.. even for a medical problem or appointment... when I still had sick days! The ridiculousness of all of this.. is just way over my head, even now. I know people do alot for a job. They are miserable, and unhappy, and just ridiculously loyal for years.. because they have to be. Right now.. I think I'm more important than Walgreens, and we'll be ok without my decent paycheck. No more California, or New York.. and more Coupon saving (I've learned how to do this from my Sister-in-Law, and think the practice is a good idea), and smarter shopping... but it'll be ok. Just a few cutbacks make up for alot of my worries.

We all have to sacrifice things when we have children.. I guess.. Time to 'nut-up or shut-up'.. I suppose.
Tags: therapy
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