Muddling through each blistering day...

Learning with each faltering step.

So.. therapy..
So my therapist told me she wants me to keep a journal. I figured since I already have this one, why start over? Might as well just keep going. Lots of things to say I guess. I have been really up and down lately. Really not myself. It's kind of a scary feeling, to be stuck out here on this limb.. somewhat by yourself but never alone. Everything has been so busy, and somewhat fruitful; yet I feel as if I've accomplished nothing.. and things are just pointless most of the time.

I'm a lucky girl for many reasons. I have a husband who loves me more than anything, caring parents, a brother who's getting married, a sister-in-law to be who loves me too.. new family on Robert's side of the family who have welcomed us with open arms into all of their lives. I'm also very pregnant. So lucky, but so internally conflicted and I think miserable at times. I don't want to be. There are days I look at myself in disgust and think that I have no reason to feel the way I do. Sometimes it's just hard enough getting out of bed and being positive about what the day will be like.

Second Trimester is kicking my ass. The first one.. was easy. A breeze that came with just a little nausea and extreme fatigue. This one.. I don't know. Too much stress and depression, and so many feelings I just can't handle alone. I feel like it's my responsibility... but still it's horrifically difficult to figure myself out lately. Not used to that. I'm hoping with time and effort it will ease, but I have the nagging thoughts of what if it doesn't? I go baby gear shopping.. and feel nothing but this existential dread that hangs over my head the rest of the day. I see other people's children and I get physically sick to my stomach. I'm terrified of this change.. and so afraid I'll be resentful of this kid. Even when I realize that I'm doing something many people can't do.. I'm having a baby for christ-sakes! It doesn't do much to console me. There is so much to think about. So much to read and do. So many feelings and thoughts to just clean out and deal with before this kid comes along. I liked my life before... I'm terrified I'm going to hate it when I'm done having this crazy experience.

Oh well... Life is life. I'm doing my best.. and sometimes that isn't good enough.. but it has to be.

I'll be writing more. Sometime this week I have to write in a story of my life (how eventful that'll be.. @.@)... so.. fun. I'm sure I want to pull my hair out right now.

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Something wicked this way comes.Collapse )

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You just want to sleep.
Feel the feelings you need to see,
Dream the dreams that sift like sand.
Be part of a world that exists
but only for you...

Waking is a cruel gesture.
Sodden upon by fate, and its
wicked step-sister,
Truly left behind
broken glass and time.

I've only just known
The happiness that drips
So kindly from your fingertips
I'll see it only once, twice
Like a beetle born
of holy flight.

Here today,
Slipping by tomorrow
Feigned nuances of
a brighter yesterday
Tap, tap, tap
All running away
Like the rain
On my window panes.

Falling apart,
No one notices.
Breaking down,
Lonely promises.
Inevitably alone,
Even surrounded by faces.

Love is a gentle,
but cruel mistress.

Asian Lady Beetles
I knew they had a name..

Young (six month old) Chocolate Lab puppy wandering down Carl Albert near Strong. He came waltzing into the store last night, and wouldn't leave. He has gold eyes, and was found wearing a red collar. I left early to take him home because the overnight manager suggested we put him out the door, and kick him.. so he would leave. I was very angry.

If you could put him up on Amber Kali.. I'd be obliged. I'm looking for his family. He is house trained and has a very sweet disposition. He is a little freaked out by all this strangeness.. but will not leave my side.

If I don't find his family soon.. and get attached.. there could be hell to pay. So I am earnestly looking for someone who loves him. He's a good boy. He deserves to be home.

New pictures..
Miss my face?

New pics up on Facebook and Myspace.

You know where.

A letter for Sarah and Jeremy (From my dogs)
(This is mostly for my brother and my seester Sarah, but I thought it was amusing enough to post. Please note that Momma will be back by next Friday and is not leaving until THIS Friday.)

Hello, My name is Kiba. I like Squeaker toys, Balls, laying in front of fans, and sticking my nose in air conditioning vents. I like my food bowl filled at all times. I must have lots of water, because having this much fur is very hot. I need to go out and poop a few times a day.

I like those times to be:
in the morning between 8am and 10am,
In the afternoon around 2 pm,
again in the evening at around 7pm or 8pm,
and then one more time before you sleep between 10pm and 12am.

I am easy to care for, but please be aware that I like to run. I will make you chase me if you take me out on the leash, so my mom prefers it if I go out on the chain in the back yard. Maybe this isn't what I like, but it keeps my mom happy. I like to play really late at night, and sleep all day. I also like to sing when there is no one in the house but me, and I occasionally whine.. just to let you know I'm there or because I need something. Please take good care of me while my mom and dad are away.

Hi, My name is Hikari. I like to tell you what to do, play fetch with myself, and run around the house like crazy. I also like sleeping upside down at the foot of Mom and Dad's bed. I like my food bowl filled at all times, and I need water because I run too much and must be hydrated. Please keep my schedule as close to Kiba's as possible, because I need to go out too. I am a diva, and must have all of your attention.. only when I want it. Please note that I will eat anything you give me, and bark at you for no reason. If I am very insistent.. it means one of two things.. I either need to go outside, or I'm hungry. I could also just want you to pet me. All of these things must be provided in kind whenever I want them.

My Barb says I can get out of the fence. While this may be true.. I prefer digging holes, and finding ways to frustrate you. Please keep a close eye on me so that I don't get the urge to run off. Don't worry, I am usually pretty simple to catch because I want your attention. Mom would say that doesn't give you any excuse not to watch me while I'm outside. She might be right.

Please make sure Kiba doesn't run over me. I am very petite and do not like to be bullied all the time. Thank you, in advance. I know that I am not always the easiest dog to please.

25 things you will miss if the LHC swallows the universe.
1. My loved ones
2. My doggies
3. Nothing.. as we will all be non-existant
4. That feeling of clothes that have been washed with fabric softener straight out of the dryer.
5. Clean sheets after a nice hot shower
6. Family Guy
7. Movie Theaters
8. Comfort
9. Tears
10. Hope
11. All my senses.. touch and taste.. and smell..
12. Green grass
13. Warm sunlight on a cool day
14. George R. R. Martin
15. HBO
16. Human Imagination
17. Dream Theater
18. Kisses
19. Sex
20. That strange feeling of accomplishment when you open your own jar of anything.
21. My car
22. Breathing
23. Crisp views of the stars on cloudless nights.
24. Diet Soda
25. The elation of love

Physicists are turning the LHC on again in November. Now is a good time to calculate what you'll miss when the world goes Super Nova. ^.^

For those of you who DON'T Know what the LHC is..

Dream theater, Melted faces!
I have been having an epic time here in California. From meeting Gino and Robby, to sitting out all night laughing it up with Gio and Matt. By far though, this was the best moment.. I GOT TO SEE MIKE PORTNOY AND JOHN PETRUCCI LIVE!! FUCKING A!!

Woo! Tomatoes growin! See'em behind the cut. Some pictures of my herbs growing too. So nice to have them right out the back door.

See'em!Collapse )


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