So my therapist told me she wants me to keep a journal. I figured since I already have this one, why start over? Might as well just keep going. Lots of things to say I guess. I have been really up and down lately. Really not myself. It's kind of a scary feeling, to be stuck out here on this limb.. somewhat by yourself but never alone. Everything has been so busy, and somewhat fruitful; yet I feel as if I've accomplished nothing.. and things are just pointless most of the time.
I'm a lucky girl for many reasons. I have a husband who loves me more than anything, caring parents, a brother who's getting married, a sister-in-law to be who loves me too.. new family on Robert's side of the family who have welcomed us with open arms into all of their lives. I'm also very pregnant. So lucky, but so internally conflicted and I think miserable at times. I don't want to be. There are days I look at myself in disgust and think that I have no reason to feel the way I do. Sometimes it's just hard enough getting out of bed and being positive about what the day will be like.
Second Trimester is kicking my ass. The first one.. was easy. A breeze that came with just a little nausea and extreme fatigue. This one.. I don't know. Too much stress and depression, and so many feelings I just can't handle alone. I feel like it's my responsibility... but still it's horrifically difficult to figure myself out lately. Not used to that. I'm hoping with time and effort it will ease, but I have the nagging thoughts of what if it doesn't? I go baby gear shopping.. and feel nothing but this existential dread that hangs over my head the rest of the day. I see other people's children and I get physically sick to my stomach. I'm terrified of this change.. and so afraid I'll be resentful of this kid. Even when I realize that I'm doing something many people can't do.. I'm having a baby for christ-sakes! It doesn't do much to console me. There is so much to think about. So much to read and do. So many feelings and thoughts to just clean out and deal with before this kid comes along. I liked my life before... I'm terrified I'm going to hate it when I'm done having this crazy experience.
Oh well... Life is life. I'm doing my best.. and sometimes that isn't good enough.. but it has to be.
I'll be writing more. Sometime this week I have to write in a story of my life (how eventful that'll be.. @.@)... so.. fun. I'm sure I want to pull my hair out right now.