It's week 15, baby can hear us if we talk loud enough. We still call it a 'Parasite', both jovially and forbodingly. I hate to think of what my kid will think when it finds out what we've been calling it. There are some people who laugh very sincerely when they hear us say it, and others who just kind of look at us blankly... as if we'd just skinned the devil and were coming for them. Oh well, it's not their pregnancy!
Tomorrow I'm getting my first in home visit from Oklahoma state's First Child program. I tried to motivate myself MOST of the day to clean the front room, and finally around 9PM (after dinner) mom came up and helped me get out of bed and clean out the clutter. I really don't have a problem with 'Messy' I have a problem with 'clutter'.. oh and I cannot stand it! Clutter is a loathesome word, and I have too much of it!! It seems when I get one spot cleaned off, another one calls my name... piled with books and video games.. papers.. mail.. nonesenseical gadgets that really have no place.. chargers with nothing to charge. Where does all this come from?! Oh well, it looks presentable.
I'm still a little ruffled about my brother not wanting to move his things downstairs. He comes over once or twice a week and spends time in the room that will eventually be designated for 'baby' (I really am trying to get used to calling it that, I swear). I am trying to understand that he is going through a big change too, and is not ready to give up what he has.. but dammit if I have to.. so does he! It's only fair. Right? Right.
15 weeks... Time seems to pass slowly... It's going to be a long time before I have to change diapers and figure out the challenge of feeding a newborn. I visited my long-time friend Amy last night. She has a new baby. I was really afraid to go over there.. afraid I was going to be physically sick to the sight of a little 'stinky fleshbag' (as I was so fond of yelling in the car on the way home from OKC this weekend). I was not, I am happy to say.. and even held her for a few moments. She is very small (5lbs 10oz), and opened her eyes wide to stare fixatedly at my nose when I cradled her against my chest. I must confess there were alot of emotions going through that same chest... though most of which were not recognizable as disgust.
She has been having a hard time feeding Bella from the breast. I believe this is because the hospital forced her to feed her from a bottle within the first 24 hours of life. They also made her lay on her back during her entire labor. This is another reason why I need to create a Birth Plan. So many things you didn't know about being pregnant right? Well this is one that I had never heard of... You have to WRITE a PLAN? Aren't the doctors supposed to just KNOW what to do? No way apparantly. You have to put down every detail of how you want things to go.. otherwise you are subject to the whimsy of greenhorn nurses and doctors who would rather be playing golf. So.. I have no idea where to start. I have a few months to figure it out though.. so we'll let it ride. I know birthing positions and my preference to FEED AT THE BREAST within the first moments of life.. are very high on that priority list. Amy's poor kid just has no clue how to feed from mommy.. because all they've been doing is shoving a bottle in her mouth. Amy was concerned she wasn't "producing" enough... but that is precisely why. I am so angry about that.. but.. who do I tell? You get to hear it I guess.
It is nice to be home. I don't miss the hectic heyday of work. I do miss some of the people.. but for the most part.. I am satisfied seeing my husband every single day for more than just a few hours. The last year and a half of our lives has been very challenging, and very mind altering.. and has done nothing but draw us closer together, and force us to understand each other more. There are still days I want to strangle him.. but it is usually followed by a laugh, a kiss, and a cuddle. Everyday is a good day with Robert, and I know all the way to my toes.. that I am in the right place at the right time. It is pretty satisfying.
Anyway.. it's bedtime! I had forgotten how satisfying it was to sit here.. and write about absolutely nothing. To pour out my insides in digital paper. I've been trying to call my doctor for a week to prescribe some medication for me.. but I think in truth.. the only thing I really needed to do was write. Of course.. this is.. because we all know I like to write at heart, and nothing could be better medicine.